I just want to get the fuck home.

There are lots of reasons that I run.  The most important one is that running softens the edges of my anxiety.  It helps keep the prickly “dementor” quiet.  If I let it get the better of me, it takes over every aspect of my life eventually leading to exhausting depression.  I know this because I hit the bottom of my ability to fight it several years ago.  I was in a place where I could barely function.  Where my relationship was suffering because I was unreachable by the person who loves me the most.  Where everything and everyone was a challenge.  Where the only place I felt okay was in my house, away from the world.  My spouse, thankfully, insisted that I get the help that I desperately needed.  I’m lucky.  I had the resources to seek help, a spouse who refused to give up on me, and enough sense to know that I needed something to change in order to save my life.  I’m not only referring to my physical life, but my emotional and spiritual lives.

A few days ago, I posted a picture of me as a little kid.  In the photo, I’m smiling.  I can almost hear my mother laugh as she’s scolding me to get down from the chair that I’d climbed onto in order to touch a Halloween decoration hanging in the window.  I looked happy, content and unafraid.  A friend said that I look exactly the same now.  The comment made me very happy.  It shows the progress that I’ve made to find that peaceful untainted part of me that shines through again in a smile.  Finding her wasn’t easy; and I’ll work hard the rest of my life fighting to keep her at the forefront of my living.  I like that sweet person much more than the harried, angry unhealthy one who kept her at bay for too many years.  That’s why I work so hard at finding the positive in a situation.  At looking on the bright side.  At owning my health by exercising, eating nutritious food and guarding my emotional, spiritual and mental wellbeing.  The fruit of my labor is that I’ve never been happier.

Here’s the thing.  Some days, it’s hard.  Some days. I don’t want to exercise.  Some days, all I want to do is eat cake.  Some days, I overthink things way too much.  Some days, I just want to tell every person who comes into my office to shut the hell up and stop making messes for me to clean up.  Some days, I lose it.  Some days, I’m that person stuck in traffic yelling obscenities because all I want to do is get the fuck home.  I’ve been up since 4:30am, worked all day cleaning up human made messes and I’m tired.  I just want to go for a run, eat supper and hug my family.  I don’t like the moments and days in which I lose it though.  They feel like quicksand tugging at my feet pulling me into a place I don’t want to be.  So, say what you will, but I refuse to give in and let it have me.  Yeah, maybe I seem like a goody-two-shoes because I work so hard at being the opposite of cynical, judgmental, angry and unhealthy.  It’s my life, I’m going to live it my way.  Happy, grateful, calm and content.  But, I got to own it.  No one’s going to do it for me.   Or, any of you for that matter.  So, instead of judging the world and succumbing to being your own victim, look inside of yourself and find that sweet untainted person.  She will free you, and make you smile.  I promise.   If you can’t do it alone.  Be brave and do what you can to get some help. 

Cheers, hugs and peace. 



25 thoughts on “I just want to get the fuck home.

  1. Well said, Bev. I love your blogs. I know the feeling of the “fuck it I want to go home.” That happens. I try and keep positive. Thanks for sharing……Dutch

  2. Bev, you are an amazing woman, with an amazing message. Wisdom and courage? You’ve got it and you share it. Thanks for expressing your wonderful self. You are brave! What a wonderful outlook. I don’t know KC, but I certainly do admire her. She knows how special you are. H’ugs from Colorado.

  3. WOW! And you talk about ME being honest? This inspires me and makes me love you even more! It’s amazing what a little exercising can do for a person. I’m so very glad you found something that works for you and a woman who loves you 100%. AND . . . thanks for sharing your soul with us.

  4. I love the honesty in your blogs. When I am having a down day, I actually think of the positive messages and pictures you have posted and they lift my spirits. They also remind me in a tangible way, that it is my choice how to see the world.
    I say this not to put any pressure on you to keep providing these inspirational points of light, but to say Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. Your words are concrete examples that we can take charge of how we interact with the world. No one ever gets it right 100% of the time, but as you share here, the point is to know that it is possible to find joy through inner work, and sometimes outside help. The potential for change…good change…is always there.
    Blessings to you.

  5. I’m reading this and trying to keep my eyes open so I will reread when I’m more awake. Work wiped me out today! I found your words to be very inspirational and wish my sister would come to the realization that you did. She lives with me and I find it quite a trial even at the best of times. She has sought help, but has not found the inspiration to reach inside herself to try to climb out from the hole of depression she has sunk into. I’m glad you succeeded! And I’m also glad you had your wonderful K.C. for support.

  6. Thousands of years ago, our ancestors did run from things – they had to as it was “flight or fight” times and lots of those battles we would have lost. So running from things is sometimes really important. However, Newton’s third law of motion is “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” So when I am running from things – I need to shift my focus away from that “thing” and think more about that to which I am running. I’m not good at that yet – I need more practice there. We all need that person or two or three that we trust implicitly and that have the love and courage to speak truth to us – and we need the courage and strength to listen to them at moments when we’d rather push them away. So running might be a good thing – as long as our focus is what’s before versus behind us.

    I think the other important thing is to always be aware of our blessings. The other day my vehicle was acting funny and I knew I had to immediately get it to the garage. So I did. In retrospect, luckily the thing did not blow up on me in the 5 miles it took me to get there. Luckily they were still open when I got there (by 30 minutes). Luckily the manager of the place told the guy at the desk to leave work early and drive me home! Luckily it was only a $150 repair versus blowing out the radiator and/or engine. Luckily they fixed it the next day. I believe in angels – and I think they were on overtime on Friday for me.

    What I became aware of though in the 18 HOURS that I didn’t have my vehicle – was how utterly important it is to my life. I wanted to go to the store, I wanted to run all my errands, I wanted to visit every friend I had. And I wondered how I would get back to the garage the next day. I thought about walking – and since it’s about 5 miles, I didn’t think I’d actually be able to make it. I thought about looking for the city bus schedules. I thought about a taxi. And then I thought about using my “phone a friend” option. This was the hardest option for me surprisingly – needing to ask for help. Yet my friend (one of those one, two, or three people from paragraph 1 above) would have thought me utterly stupid if I hadn’t simply called her.

    So Bev, your blog today resonates well. I am blessed with many, many things that are positive in my life that help me not lose the battle with the negative. I have people in my life that love me although I often do things that aren’t worthy of that love/support. I have a job that feels meaningful most days and provides me the ability to shelter, feed, and clothe myself. I can offer to run to the store for my older neighbors, or change their furnace filters so they don’t have to crawl up on a ladder, or simply listen to a story they wish to tell. But I often need to be reminded of how blessed I am. I’ve had two events this week – one was my truck, the other was your blog. I’m thankful for both. 🙂

    • Charlie! I’m so glad all is well with your truck. Thanks for sharing your story of a good day. The responses, including yours, remind me that we all share the same battles. We’re all in this together, and I’m so fortunate to call you my friend. I’m also happy that your angels and that “one, two or three people” who came to your rescue were there for you. Thanks also for reminding us that running to rather from things is so much sweeter. Cheers and hope to see you soon.

  7. Pingback: I just want to get the fuck home. | bevprescott | Reblog

  8. Love your attitude, gratitude, passion and appreciation. We all need a reason, a conduit, at times, to help to lift us if needed… I’m glad you had that, recognized it and took the road of inspiration. Thank you for posting this, exactly when I needed it.

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